Can You Disappoint Another In Order To Be True To Yourself?
Updated: Nov 11, 2019
I have a challenge for you: can you disappoint another person in order to be true to yourself? Don't get me wrong. It is not that your goal is to disappoint another. Your goal is to be true to yourself. And to do that, sometimes you have to disappoint another person. So, my question for you is, can you say "no" to another in order to say "yes" to yourself?
What I have seen with many people is that often times we agree to things that we don't really want to do. Even at the expense of our own needs. We say "yes" when inside our heart, we really want to say "no." Why should we feel bad for saying "no"? We have dozens of good reasons, right? We don't want to hurt another's feelings. We don't want to come across as rude or uncaring. We don't want the other to become angry with us. We should be a good partner, friend, sibling, child, student. We want the other to see how hard-working we are and how much we love them. We feel we owe it to them to say "yes." We feel guilty if we say "no." But it is only when we are able to say "no" to others that we can say "yes" to ourselves.
And if we are saying "yes" to others when we really mean, "no," eventually we end up feeling angry or resentful towards the other. Because at the core of all of our "yes, sure, and of course's," is a small child who is longing - looking for approval, acceptance, and love from the recipient of our "yes." Our unconscious logic goes something like this, "If I agree to what you want, then you will give me the love and attention that I want." Unfortunately, this is a losing proposition. It never really works out this way in the long run. Maybe you get a momentary pleasure when the other reciprocates, but living for those moments is exhausting. We have too many expectations of the other to make us feel happy, fulfilled, appreciated and to remove our loneliness.
One of the keys to healing, is self-love. This concept is thrown around a lot, yet many people misinterpret it as pampering the body. They will say that they practice self-love because they get massages, exercise, do yoga, or they eat well. But the self-love that I'm talking about is of a different kind. It is love of the little lonely child who sits inside of your heart and is waiting for you to recognize and nurture him or her. Once we can do this, our need for people-pleasing diminishes as we are too busy working on pleasing ourself. This is not selfish. In fact, learning how to love ourself is a pre-requisite to being able to love another.